A few years ago my
pastor, Don Barry, Gateway Christian Centre, did a series of teachings that he called Dating for Dummies.
One of the teachings was about saving yourself
for the one you love: about the importance of valuing virginity. In this letter, and some subsequent ones,
I want to share with you some of his teaching as he speaks to your age group.
Valuing virginity is the main way to avoid unwanted
pregnancies and abortion.
“In
our culture this notion of valuing virginity is so foreign and so out dated that it is actually mocked in many circles.
To admit you are a virgin is to invite ridicule, rather than to elicit admiration. In our culture
the need to be sexually active and experienced is presented as wisdom. The idea of entering into a life
long relationship without having become sexually involved is presented as stupidity.
‘You would never buy a car without taking it for
a test drive!’ While this is usually delivered with a chuckle, it is presented as a compelling point
whose wisdom is supposed to be obvious. But, this argument has a compelling flaw – several actually.
Evidence from social scientists
seems to refute the assumption that it is better to ‘try out a relationship’ to see if it is going to work.
Some cohabitation fast facts:
- Cohabiters are more likely to be depressed than married couples.
- The presence of children
exacerbates depression among cohabiters, but no among married couples.
- Cohabiting couples perceive their relationships
as less stable.
- Cohabiters report poorer relationship quality than married couples.
- Cohabiting women are
more likely to have ‘secondary sex partners’ than are married women.
- Cohabiters have lower commitment to
the relationship, lower levels of happiness and worse relationships with their parents than married couples.
- Cohabiting
couples have higher rates of assault, and the violence is more severe, than among dating or married couples.
- Cohabiters
tend to be more socially isolated and this partially explains their heightened levels of domestic violence.
- Prior
cohabitants had a higher rate of pre-marital aggression than couples who did not live together.
- According to a study
of British child abuse registries, a cohabiting boyfriend is the most serious risk factor for child abuse. Children
are safest living with their natural parents, married to each other. Next safest is living with their natural
mother and her new husband. Next safest is living with their natural mother alone. Still
less safe with two natural parents cohabiting and the least safe with their mother and a cohabiting, but unrelated boyfriend.
- Married
couples whose marriages are preceded by cohabitation are more likely to get divorced and to report lower quality marriages.
- The
increased probability of divorce cannot be accounted for by systematic differences between those who choose to get married
and those who choose to cohabit.
Facts refute the so-called wisdom of ‘test driving’ the relationship.
The whole analogy of the test drive sounds great so long as you picture yourself
as the driver. It sucks if you picture yourself as the car.
The unspoken implication of the test drive metaphor is:
‘I am going to drive you around the
block a few times while withholding judgment and commitment from you until I have satisfied myself about you.
You are not permitted to have any feelings about this trial run. You just behave normally.
Pay no attention to my indecision or my periodic withdrawals to evaluate your performance. Try and
act as if you were really married so I can get a clear picture of how you are likely to stack up as my spouse.
You pretend to be married and I’ll pretend to be shopping.’ “
You might like to bring this ‘test driving’ concept before the Lord
and allow Him to show you how you have embraced this, maybe unconsciously. Allow Him to transform this
mindset.
Blessings,
Sue Rowe
